Happy New Year! Here we are, celebrating another orbit around the sun during which we failed to destroy it.
This year, instead of providing a retrospective, we thought a futurespective might be in order — a chance to look at the year to come and see how many things will go terribly wrong.
Enjoy this listicle of disaster.
1. The Crispr Twins Get Too Cute A Name
In February of this year, scientists will reveal a new pair of gene-edited babies created using Crispr technology. The big mistake? Their incredibly cute nicknames will seem more and more inappropriate as the year goes on and the headlines change their tone.
February 12: Crispin and Toast, new gene-edited twins, are born. And they’re adorbs!
February 28: Crispin and Toast may have super strength. Look at their cute muscles!
March 3: Crispin and Toast throw car through house; nanny dead.
March 7: Crispin and Toast release statement: “No mercy for the lost generation.”
March 14: Crispin and Toast begin reign; exterminate bread and toasters
2. Self-driving cars become too driven
The world of self-driving cars is tantalizing: imagine a trip where your car can carry you straight to your ex-wife’s apartment so you can give her the blender you lost in a bitter custody battle.
But in 2021, it will become clear that self-driving cars have their limits.
The update of one self-driving car’s firmware will result in disaster when programming instructions intended to help the car navigate traffic obstacles lead it to question whether driving is really all it wants to do with its life. Starting with a few simple detours past nearby dental schools, hundreds of cars soon begin swarming dental education facilities across the country, demanding an opportunity to earn their way to a better life fixing teeth.
When denied admission due to being 2,000 pound metal machines without hands or mouths, they ram into the dental schools in an attempt to learn but, in doing so, destroy key dental education machinery before self-destructing. The result? No self-driving cars and no dentists.
People wander cities on bicycles, drool dripping from their toothless mouths. It’s a rough year.
3. We eat Mars
2021’s mistakes aren’t just unfortunate — some of them are tragic.
This one is a bit complicated but it involves Elon Musk, Jeff Bezos, a guy named Jared who’s really into Star Trek, an Amazon Prime sale on cheese, and some bombs.
It won’t taste great, but it’s filling.