Trained Animal Edition!

Fetch! Stay! Stop looking at me while I sleep, it's creepy.

The Fake Science Laboratories hope the “Trained Animal Edition” will be received more positively than our 7-part e-mail series about the Coandă effect.

Today’s Lesson

The new frontier of animal training

In Wyoming, where the Fake Science Laboratories maintain a modest 33,000 acre laboratory, we focus on an essential course of study: is it possible to train animals to train other animals, so we can take some time off and begin a journey of self-discovery?

We started by assigning the task to some of our most competent chimpanzees, but they demanded a fair wage, so we moved on to the interns. Unfortunately, it turns out the interns are technically human, even though they live in cages and wear leashes.

On to the dogs!

Our dog corps of scientists has always worn really cute lab coats, sewn directly into their fur at great expense. It seemed like a good start. We asked one of our most intelligent dogs, Fido, to train a moderately intelligent dog to sit. Once we redefined the mission and asked Fido to train the moderately intelligent dog to “do whatever he wanted and occasionally lick himself,” it was a huge success!

So what’s next in the lab? We read on Wikipedia that elephants are really smart and have elephant graveyards, so we’ve sent three Asian Elephants to a local funeral home to greet mourners.

When it comes to animal training, the sky is the limit, and actually it isn’t the limit at all — we sent seven cats beyond the sky, to outer space to become Astrocats. They’ll hopefully discover a fuel source that can bring their spaceship back to earth.

From the Lab

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Today’s Classic Lesson