Think About Safety

Don't worry, not the relevant kind

The Fake Science Laboratories ask that you chew your food 32 times and other people’s food at least 4 times, for taste.

Today’s Lesson

Stop, Drop, and Roll Is Outdated

For over 700 years, the slogan “stop, drop, and roll” has been the chant during numerous classroom drills and small, fire-safety-based millenarian cults. But recently, the National Fire Safety Board declared it needed to be updated (this was after the tragic destruction of their mascot, the National Fire Safety Board, a two by four piece of oak that somebody accidentally set on fire).

We recommend a few new fire safety rituals.

  • Live inside the water where the fire can’t get you. Humans have become incredibly reliant on dry, warm housing without realizing that fire is also dry and warm. There’s something profoundly logical about making your home in the deep sea.

  • It’s easy to light a candle and forget about it, causing your priceless collection of candles to burn to a puddle. Next time, try living in darkness and smelling your fingers.

  • For years, toasters caused fires by overheating after burning bread. Fortunately, scientists created the myth that carbs and gluten are bad for you just to kill the toaster industry. It worked, and toaster-based fires are down almost 10%.

  • Finally, there’s a fire inside you that you’re born with, a flame that powers you through your darkest times. You should give up and extinguish that ASAP — it might be raising your insurance premiums slightly.

From the Lab

Have you bought gifts yet for the holidays? Or are you in more of a holidaze, due to that tryptophan study you enrolled in?

Have you explored our store?

Shower Curtains! Prints! Cards!

Today’s Classic Lesson