Teaching kids at home and talking to plants

Your plant is named Thelma, and she won't leave you alone at parties.

The Fake Science Laboratories ask that you start swallowing the mouthwash, just in case.

Today’s Lesson

Science Tips: Talking To Plants

As lifestyles have changed over the past few months, more and more people have started talking to inanimate objects. The objects are powerless to complain.

The most popular? Plants, our beloved zero-footed friend. Some studies have shown that talking to plants can help them grow,* so here are some tips to talk good at your leaves:

• Want a plant to flower quickly? Try “reverse plant psychology.” Yell at it, “I’m not lonely, you’re lonely, shrink for me so I’m more alone. That’s what I want!”

• Some plants will drift in the direction of sunlight, so it’s time to destroy your ceiling, unless you hate nature.

• Never know what to say to your plant? Try telling it the truth for once and admitting you slept with his Aunt Eileen, the ficus.

• Why exactly do plants respond to human voices? Scientists theorize it’s so you’ll stop before you touch them with your smelly, oily hands.

• If you don’t have plants to talk to, try putting your face in the grass. For a moment, you’ll forget the pain, at least until you remember you’re severely allergic to grass.

*Actually, it might be “water” that does that. Double check the studies.

From the Lab

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