SpaceY Edition!

One small step for a man, one giant leap from the perspective of, like, a really tiny man

The Fake Science Laboratories ask that you stop propping open the airlock.

Today’s Lesson

Launching the SpaceY program

Over the past few months, the SpaceX program has brought a glimmer of hope for space-obsessives during a difficult time in human history. We’re enraged about it.

That’s because the Fake Science Labs have been working, in parallel, on the SpaceY program. Though it initially began as a sentence (Space? Why?), we realized that lots of billionaires were enthusiastic about rockets because, in their words, “rockets go boom.” So we picked up a new funding source and new passion for blowing things up intentionally.

Early experiments focused on getting a new crew in space to conduct experiments on plants, animals, and other biological systems. To do so, we created a nearly silent, almost invisible rocket that was able to practically float to the outer reaches of human contact. This quickly ended when one of our billionaire funders, videoconferencing in from his third vacation home in Ibiza, noted a big problem: “Rocket no boom? Where boom? Me want boom!”

Our SpaceY resources were redirected to booming innovation. We were determined make the loudest boom possible. It quickly became clear that reaching space caused an immediate decrease in booming volume, so that was eliminated. Even the upward direction of a rocket could limit booming. Our scientists innovated and returned to the origination of the project: Space? Why? It doesn’t make the boom bigger.

Today, the program is a huge success at making big booms, even though the “Space” part is somewhat superfluous. We debuted our most recent rocket, the SpaceY Thud to thunderous applause (its launch was broadcast to a giant drone-held TV hovering above a flotilla of billionaire yachts). While the rocket didn’t go up in the air, reach space, or survive the first 30 seconds, one Australian plutocrat put the collective reaction best, in between hefty bites of koala jerky: “Big boom. Me like boom. Take money now!”

From the Lab

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