Some steps we're taking to protect ourselves

Please, don't sue us in this time of uncertainty.

This is a very special newsletter. You should be glad to be getting it, even if you have no idea how we got your email address

Over the past 100-150 years, depending on who you ask, the Fake Science Laboratories have had a reputation for figuring out ways to profit in the most difficult times.

After our Plutonium Diapers were recalled in 1948, we offered partial refunds to any baby who asked for it. The same went for our delicious cereal, Asbestos Flakes, which were unfairly criticized until they were discontinued in 2014.

Here’s a picture of a family that will make you trust us more.

Now, as a new crisis embroils, encumbers, and ensnares our world, we’re prepared. As you can see from the previous sentence, we already found a thesaurus. It was underneath some glowing boxes of Plutoniyums. After recalling the diapers, we repurposed them into yet another tragically under appreciated cereal.

This new crisis has us eager to do the bare minimum to keep you from being mad at us. And we mean bare minimum — most of our laboratory associates are nude, stripped of their lab coats, so the cloth can be used to insulate our board members from the terrors outside.

Here are some of the powerful steps we’re taking to help protect you in a way that doesn’t inconvenience us too much.

• No more face-licking at reception. If you visit one of our labs, our receptionist will stay at least six feet away from your face and instead lick our handy visitor substitute mannequin, Jill.

• Working from home is mandatory for our marketing and executive teams. For our 38,018 lab workers, they’ve been given some really nice used gloves.

• When it comes to social distancing, we’ve already been ignoring you for years. Our unstaffed customer service lines, angry security guards, and hard-to-track down tax accountants have been pursuing a policy of unreachability for 16 decades.

• We’re enacting a strict cough back policy. If one of our associates coughs on you, you can cough right back. Ideally, you’ll both keep coughing on each other, drawing closer, until you realize it was love the entire time.

• Hand sanitizers are more important than ever. Instead of distributing these to all our employees, we’ve just given a lot to Sean. Sean was disgusting, and now he smells like Spring Mist.

  Here’s some dogs.

The dogs might seem like a happy ending, but we had to fire these dogs because of budget cutbacks.

Maybe you’ll be soothed by a quote.

Science isn’t about what you don’t know. It’s about what you never knew you didn’t know, and knowing that knowing it didn’t mean knowing. - Dr. Scott Baio

So true, now more than ever.

We don’t really expect you to have read this e-mail. We just want you to have a vaguely positive association with us that makes you less likely to sue us.

Good luck. We’ll do anything to serve you, as long as it doesn’t reduce our reputation, finances, or supply of promising-yet-discontinued cereals (stay tuned this fall for our big relaunch of DDT Flakes — now with marshmallows!).

In Science,

Fake Science