New testing from the Fake Science Labs

We're excited to announce something you'll never hear about again!

As we continue to see exciting demand for new disease testing techniques, we’ve been working hard at the Fake Science Labs to expand the options. We’re proud to offer the FS-1020.

The FS-1020 will blow you away: it has 95% specificity, 98% sensitivity, and 50% chance-it-might-just-be-a-used-receipt-from-CVS.

How does it work? Simple. Visit one of our handy drive-thru locations after you make an appointment. We don’t write down the appointment times, but we just like to have it to know we’re wanted.

After that, a technician will mumble at you in a language of his/her own invention. You’ll be handed a Q-Tip to insert in the orifice of your choice, and then you’ll be asked to destroy the Q-Tip, since that’s disgusting. Why would we want a used Q-Tip?

Following the payment of a small fee, you’ll pay a large fee. Then you’ll pay for the test. It’s covered by most minor insurance carriers (minor insurance carriers are our army of child insurance agent. We send them roaming the country, signing up clients door to door while they carry large filing cabinets full of insurance).

Now it’s time to take the test. We’re still figuring that one out, but we’ll have you do something to kill some time.

In just 8 and a half weeks, you’ll be sent your results on a paper printed in invisible ink. If your results are negative, the paper will simply be blank with no invisible ink at all. If your results are positive, you probably will have already been arrested and sent to one of our labs for study.

Don’t worry, one of our minor insurance carriers already tricked you into signing the necessary waivers.

From the Lab

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