Moon tunnels and discount items

In space, no one can hear you scream for ice cream.

The Fake Science Laboratories ask that you wash your hands to the tune of public domain songs only.

Today’s Lesson

Discounted Science-Related Novelty Items

Lately, the Fake Science Labs have had to discount some novelty gifts in order to keep the locks shut on our terrifying menagerie of genetically-altered animals. They will chew us alive! But you’ll benefit. Consider buying one of these items:

• General Relativity: This action figure shouts “I will wage war on you — with gravity!” when you pull his string. He’s very mean and very upset he isn’t Special Relativity.

• Strandy, the DNA model: This is a great idea, but we have to be honest: it’s a couple of slinkies we got tangled together and are now selling for $49.95.

• The Apple That Does Fall Far From The Tree: In a brief fit of botanical enthusiasm, we created a breed of spring-loaded apples that fell really far from the tree, but were entirely inedible and bruised. So, do you want that? Can you Venmo us some money?

  You don’t know how tough things have gotten around here. We had to cancel the free snacks and we’re using paper test tubes now to hold all of our acid. Huge mistake. The floor is covered in acid and paper bits. We should mention that the apple is Braeburn — we didn’t want to use any of the good ones.

From the Lab

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