Is our future stalled?

Why haven't we created new things we'll eventually need to destroy?

The Fake Science Laboratories recommend you look forward with completely misguided optimism.

Today’s Lesson

Why isn’t the future as amazing as we imagined?

Occasionally at the Fake Science Labs we like to tackle big questions, and occasionally we like to tackle big gorillas, like Roro, the gorilla who refuses to stop insulting us in sign language.

Listen, Roro, making fun of our “tiny human elbows” is not acceptable.

One of our big questions is simple: why is the future stalled? When we were growing up or, in some cases, growing in a test tube, it was common to imagine an amazing future filled with cool gadgets and big breakthroughs. Why aren’t we all circling each other in flying cars, gulping down food pills, and then vomiting food pills because our flying cars made us dizzy? Why isn’t the ground covered in half-digested food pills?

It would be foolish to try to diagnose the cause of stalled innovation in a short newsletter, unless you’re really smart, which we are. Here’s the diagnosis.

  1. Asbestos Paranoia. As one of our funders, the Asbestos Collective of America, likes to point out, things were great when the asbestos was flowing. Now, instead of dreaming big, we think and act small. Is it correlated with a frightening decrease in asbestos? Correlation is not causation, but in this case, it almost definitely is.

  2. Shiny Spacesuits. If you look back at visions for the future, everyone was walking around in identical shiny spacesuits. This allowed them to save a ton of time on zippers and dry cleaning. To find time to invent cold fusion and practice car-flying, we need to shift to shiny fashion immediately.

  3. Monorails. The advantage of a monorail has always been clear: mono number of rails instead of some disgusting number, like duo. Sadly, we are surrounded by duo rails, which is a mono too many. Once we remove these additional rails on train tracks, productivity will skyrocket to the mono.

  4. Raymond. Who could have anticipated Raymond’s sloth, Raymond’s total disdain for hard work, and Raymond’s ability to gum up even the simplest decisions in bureaucratic minutiae? The hopes of the world were set high and Raymond, with his little peanut butter and strawberry jelly sandwich at lunch every day, like a little kid or something, struck those hopes down.

From the Lab

Check out our incredible book, “You’re A Scientist!” It’s a Make Your Own Mistakes adventure.

Get it here!

Today’s Classic Lesson