In Defense of Soda and Exciting New Diets

Your pale strips are looking good today.

The Fake Science Laboratories ask that you only stop saying “tan lines,” and start saying “pale strips.”

Today’s Lesson

Diet trends that might stick around

If you’ve spent any time on the internet, it’s hard to avoid new diet trends. Who hasn’t tried “intermittent fasting” for 2-4 minutes? But some new trends don’t only have shiny thumbnails advertising them — they’ve got scientific backing. These diets have proven promising in early studies and may even work for you.

• The Ancient Grains diet: Using this technique, you only eat food that’s 3,000 years old. If you can’t find any, you go hungry. So far, everyone who’s tried it has lost a lot of weight before perishing.

• The Back Can Diet: Most homes have a can in the back of the cupboard that hasn’t been eaten, despite having been there for years. Using this diet, stock your entire cupboard with only the food in that can. Yes, you may suffer some vitamin depletion when you only eat Canned Artichokes — but your waistline will thank you.

• The Ripped Tongue Diet: Have you heard what Sal the Surgeon will do to you if you don’t pay your debts? He’ll rip your tongue out and slap you with it. Try eating then. Pay us back, or else you’ll lose weight and never feel better about your sweet tongueless self.

  Get ready to show the world some skinny, toned pale strips!

From the Lab

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Today’s Classic Lesson