If Dolphins Attack...

There's no defense against these creatures of the kinda deep

The Fake Science Laboratories recommend you start using sonar around the house, or at least in the family pool.

Today’s Lesson

If Dolphins Attack

It’s hard not to state the obvious: the whole world is watching to see if dolphins attack.

For decades, we’ve known that dolphins claim to be smarter, happier, and sexier than humans or, at the very least, sexier to other dolphins. But what happens if they turn their formidable abilities at squeaking and swimming and decide to attack our species?

Fortunately, scientists have a plan to approach these slippery beasts, once they figure out what the difference is between a dolphin and a porpoise.

• Dolphin-proofing homes: Almost every study recommends that to avoid the attack of strategically savvy dolphins, you get out of the water. That’s it.

• Battling the dolphin: In combat, it’s almost certain that humans will need to use every advantage they have, like arms, and weapons, and machines, and electricity, and legs, and boats, and nets, and society.

• Rebuilding: Once a dolphin-human war ends, it will be necessary to rebuild both societies. For dolphins — maybe they have some kelp they like in a certain place? It’s tough to really think of anything they’ve accomplished more permanent than balancing a ball on their noses.

From the Lab

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Today’s Classic Lesson