Gift Guide!

By opening this email, you drop all asbestos-related lawsuits.

Happy holidays! Or should we say “holidaze,” if you were part of the study for our new children’s product, Sleepy Milk: the milk that gives mommy and daddy peace for 72 uninterrupted hours.

Here at the Fake Science Labs, we pride ourselves on selling you things, like our own shower curtains, prints, and cards. But we’re also passionate about finding you amazing gifts that we weren’t involved with because, legally speaking, we’ve been banned from selling a few thousand things.

To put together this gift guide, our interns spent minutes skimming the world wide web as well as a pile of catalogs in the corner. What they came up with will astonish, delight, and possibly injure you.

The Unspillable Test Tube ($14.99)

Who hasn’t been carrying around a test tube of arsenic only to spill it in the mouth of one of the lab babies? This test tube fixes that problem by being sealed at both ends.

Messenger Bag RNA ($45.99)

At first, this seems like a cute little pun. But it’s actually a bag filled with mRNA injections you can give to strangers, eventually turning them into zombie-like messengers who will carry letters for you.

The Asbestos Sweater in the World ($119)

This sweater can’t be called “the best,” but it is “the most” when it comes to the amount of asbestos. This garment will leave you itchy, warm, and dead. Dry clean only.

Oppenheimer: The Game! ($59.99)

Made for the graphically stunning Playstation 5, this game helps you experience the life of J. Robert Oppenheimer. Commute to the Los Alamos laboratory! Ponder the ethical dilemma of your job! And, with astonishing ray-traced graphics, watch as the main character transforms into the destroyer of worlds.

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