Alone in space with slow internet

May 26, 2020

The Fake Science Laboratories have discovered the most incredible element of all: you. It was always you. (Note: only applies if “you” are rubidium.)

You may have noticed that the web is a bit slow lately. For example, it took you seven hours to read this sentence.

Fortunately, our own IT department is constantly clicking on things. They’ve developed some tips for speeding up your web experience.

Never watch a video in full resolution, since you’ll be able to see how disappointing it is. Instead, watch in 2p — 2 pixels, rotating greys, asking you to “Like and Subscribe.”
More than one person on a connection can slow it down, so it’s time to buy your baby his own house and Wifi. Don’t let him name it. The Wifi name he chooses won’t be something clever, like “Googoo Google” or “Surfing the Diaper” — it’ll just be a random string of letters and numbers before the keyboard explodes with drool.
Maybe you should spend less time on the internet and more time with the original internet: your friends! You can hover near their homes if they have faster internet (don’t talk to them, as it will distract from your webpage downloads).
Stop with the GIF/JIF pronunciation debates. None of us have time for this now. The world has moved on.

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