All about computers

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Today’s Lesson

Big upgrades at the lab

Today, we’re giving you a peek inside the Fake Science Laboratories’ IT department (distinct from the “It” department, which is still the working name for our lion/bunsen burner hybrid).

As science becomes more technically demanding, it’s become more important that our tech be up to snuff. Recent upgrades in the lab have gotten us there, though we needed an additional computer to keep track of snuff positions (currently, we are .086 degrees above snuff after 38 months about 3.2 degrees sub-snuff).

The first key upgrade was internet connectivity, since it’s a crucial way for scientists to learn how lonely they are compared to everyone else. That loneliness makes them want to work harder to avoid social pain. In one months of improved connectivity, 12% of our lab techs stopped leaving the office for fear of having no good pictures to put on Instagram.

Of course, processing power is a key metric too, since our scientists perform incredibly complex calculations. Our grant by the Institute for Abacus Studies (sponsored by Ab-Corp, the largest abacus manufacturer in the world) prevents us from using non-abacus calculations in the lab. However, we are allowed to increase abacus-size, so now we have a football-field sized abacus with beads so large they pose a hazard to children. In just a few months, we should have conclusive data on 12*8.

Finally, due to a second grant from the United States Department of Homophones, we’ve replaced all our computer mice with actual mice. An advanced bio-electric graft between their tails and computer cords is still, according to official reports, “not at all working,” but it’s one of the cuter forms of torture and, in an ideal world, might make our lab techs’ Instagrams slightly less depressing.

From the Lab

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Today’s Classic Lesson