About Our Slow Vaccine Distribution

We have reasons. Not excuses. Reasons.

Typically, we provide you with informative lessons about science and/or legal disclaimers from our esteemed sponsors.

Today, we’re taking a break from that to explain another portion of our business.

As you may know, the Fake Science Laboratories extend throughout the world, connecting a vast network of suburbs with large, industrial lab spaces covered in some of the world’s finest asbestos.

This year, that network that was called upon to distribute some of the newest, most innovative vaccines.

When the vaccines were being conceived, made, tested, and produced in massive quantities for the entirety of 2020, we had no way of anticipating that people might want to have those vaccines put into their body.

Still, we admit that our distribution plan has shortcomings. We should explain why other people and corporate entities are to blame.

• Kansas City. Not to point fingers, but if you look at our fingers, they are pointing at Kansas City. Because it’s all of our fingers, it kind of looks like we’re waving, but we’re not. We’re pointing.

  Early on, a shipment of 90 million doses was supposed to be sent to Kansas City. Our distribution coordinator sent them to Kansas City, MO. At the same time, we discovered a major production error in another 90 million doses that had already been sent to Kansas City, KS (somebody ate a ton of chocolate before filling the syringes and got them all goopy). Anyway, our order to destroy all the doses in Kansas City was misinterpreted, and we exploded the 90 million good doses in Kansas City, Mo.

  However, if you need traces of chocolate injected in your veins, please contact the Kansas City, KS department of health. We ran out of explosives a few months ago, so those doses are sitting in a warehouse.

• Intercultural exchange has been an ongoing challenge. Our British scientists refuse to say anything but “jabs” — not just for shots, but for almost anything at all.

  “Mate, can I have a jab of coffee?”

  “Cheerio, how about a jab of your time?”

  “Shall we jab later?”

  We were forced to not jab, but punch, a lot of them, leading to significant slowdowns and weeping.

• Finally, many of our promotional efforts have been slowed down. Early on, we wanted to persuade the foolish public to embrace the mRNA vaccine, so we created a lovable character named Myrna.

  Unfortunately, as we developed Myrna, we kept being interrupted by members of the public, government officials, and screaming medical professionals demanding release and distribution of the vaccine. This made it very difficult to decide if Myrna should be purple or blue.

  Soon, many of our laboratory locations were being approached by members of the National Guard (this is the “Battle of Des Moines” you may have heard of). While we appreciate their enthusiasm, we still needed to decide if Myrna was “plucky and strong” or “independent and funky.”

  Though it is, apparently, possible to push vaccine development from a multi-year process to one that happens in a few months, it’s much more dangerous to move public education plans. We expect that Myrna will be finished at some point in 2023. Mass vaccine release will follow.

Above: Myrna in action! This early mock-up is not for release. Created by a team of 75 designers as well as 4 additional outside design firms, Myrna will be a complete brand identity for the vaccines we have sitting in storage, locked up.